The horror, the horror

The 2006 Winter Olympics get underway in Torino tomorrow evening. Nothing like an Olympic opening ceremony to get the old national pride going! Waiting for your country to be called into the stadium, feeling the lump in your throat as the crowds cheer, picking out the athletes you can recognise from the team, rubbishing this year's choice of outfits, laughing even harder at those worn by other teams... definitely more than enough cheese to satisfy everybody.

But, as the saying goes, the only thing worse than an Olympic opening ceremony is an Olympic closing ceremony, and in just over two weeks' time, Torino will be no exception. Why, you ask? It's all to do with who's hosting the next Olympic Winter Games in 2010: Vancouver. As per Olympic tradition, the next country to host the games gives a presentation at the closing ceremony, showcasing all their cultural niceties. I remember the Torino showcase at the Salt Lake City Games in 2002, all Italian soft-rock and runway models sporting Versace couture. But that will pale into comparison with Canada's offering this year... Celine Dion?, I hear you laugh. No, no, no. Think something far more anaemic, far more pointless, and far, far more embarrassing for the nation at large.

Think Avril Lavigne.

On behalf of my country, I would like to offer my most heartfelt apologies.