An open letter to Richard Branson and Rupert Murdoch

Sirs,

As every housewife knows, sometimes the only way to communicate with men is through a simple yet irritating to-do list. Therefore, I would be extremely grateful if you could pay attention to the following, which has been constructed in terms that are clear and direct enough for even you to understand:

1. Please, please, please, for the sake of all that is good, limit your public battles to ONE media source. Fat chance, I know, but remember that there is nothing so counterproductive as overkill. Between full-page ads in the newspapers, radio slots extolling the virtues of your respective broadband package deals, rival TV and web campaigns and even leaflets pushed through our front doors, we've all long since reached saturation point.

2. Drop the "friendly letter" approach in your print ads, right now. This particularly applies to Virgin Media. You're not our friend, we're not on a first-name basis, and we certainly aren't stupid enough to equate signing up for your services with joining some trendy and exclusive club.

3. If you must fork out such exorbitant sums on advertising, at least have the balls to make your adverts focus on what's good about your services rather than what's crap (read: slightly less good) about those of your main rival. Spinning the Sky v. Virgin Media debacle as vital consumer information does precisely nothing to disguise the fact that it is merely an expensive game of billionaire Pong.

(Mmmm, Pong.)

4. When it comes right down to it, this is a battle about TV rights, as the other parts of what's on offer from Sky and Virgin Media are pretty much the same. And let's face it, "Richard", on the TV front you've already lost, as Sky has got the sports AND Lost, and you don't. So suck it up.