Warning: RANT AHEAD.

What the fucking fuck do these fuckwits think they're playing at. Huh? It's pissing me off now. Last time I checked, the natural order of things was that people who were popular and mean in their schooldays have their moment in the sun DURING their schooldays, and then face the real world and end up crumbling into a pile of uselessness and shame. What they're NOT supposed to do is to retain their smug insouciance and general assholishness and then go on to achieve fame and fortune! You can't have them both, it's got to be one or the other! Says who? Says ME. It's just not right.

The thing is, I've just discovered (Google can be such a double-edged sword) that this really über-smug, bitchy cow of a girl from my university back home has been given her own column in a popular city newspaper, which is one of the best-known in the country. By the sound of it, the column is just about as vapid and plodding as I remember her to be. What I don't understand is how the hell she got it in the first place.

I realise that there's a fair amount of sour grapes involved here, easily summed up by two questions: Do I have a newspaper column? (No.) Do I want a newspaper column? (Yes!) But my annoyance isn't entirely fuelled by jealousy. Okay fine, it is. But even so, I can't be the only one to inwardly retch upon reading the bio page on the newspaper's website. Here's an edited excerpt. Names and places have been changed, etc etc.

At 24, [Jane Smarmy] obtained B.A. in journalism before landing
this plum job as the "young and hip [Newspaper name] girl".
Pet topics include cheeky exposés on [Anytown] nightlife, social climbers, young trendy people - how do they stay so trendy? - and the [local baseball team].
Her hobbies include snagging invites to ultra-glam Anytown events like
fashion week, attending concerts - Busta Rhymes, anyone? - and representing the hopes and dreams of Anytown's twenty and thirty-something community.

Okay, first of all, representing the hopes and dreams of Anytown's twenty and thirty-something community? I know she's trying to be tongue-in-cheek, but fuck me. She probably believes it. And word to the wise, Jane. If you feel the need to describe yourself as "young and hip" in your bio page, it probably means that you're not. The clue's in Busta Rhymes. Ugh. Ugggggggggggggggh.

This is one of those days when I'm really, really glad (not to mention 200% convinced) that I made the right decision and moved to London. It has its faults, but I'm pretty sure that Ms. Smarmy would find it a lot harder here to get a receptive audience for her mind-numbing bile. The thing about my hometown is that it doesn't yet seem to have grasped that big ain't always clever, and that popular doesn't always equate with cool. They're just happy to have a big name in town. Ms S's coattails-riding column is the proof.